Change of life

Menopause

Gives me pause. Makes our relationship stop dead in its tracks and spin onto its head. Feeling the blood gushing to my skull leaves me only one choice: Flip it. Turn this sucker around. Appeal to my wife's hidden senses, that is, hidden somewhere deep in the jumbled mix of horomones and rash emotions that cause outbursts of displaced anger and place undeserved stress on me.

Emotionally drained as I am, I still know what it means to be civil. To be a part of a working relationship, a progressing marriage, it takes two people to work through things. But wifey right now doesn't have her right mind most of the time. She's chuckling when I tell her how she's making me feel. I hope her mother can talk some sense into her. God willing, Momma's visit tomorrow will begin the cleansing of our relationship by snapping wifey out of her funk.

Who will I become?

Considering your life as a sharp turning point drops you on your butt and holds a big mirror up for you to see what you've become can be a time for illumination. It can also be a time for complete honesty with yourself as well. Honesty about who you want to become in terms of what you've been doing so far in "getting there." What mental obstacles do you let get in the way? What emotional barriers hold you back? What kinds of patterns do you have to regulate in yourself in order to reach your goals?

I'm reading a book about philosophy and taking care of a wolf called "The Philosopher and the Wolf." In it, the author, Mark Rowlands, says that humans are basically scheming simians or apes watching others in order to find the opportunity to take advantage of the situation. Wolves in their packs, on the other hand, are built on a network of trust and loyalty. You can't convince a wolf to the just terms of a contract because a contract is based on the agreed upon fairness between simians who otherwise would rob each other blind if they had the chance. Wolves protect their own because of loyalty, not words or agreements in kind. Human beings sacrifice some things in order to get other things in return.

So, how has this book caused my thinking to change? Well, I believe some of the concepts Mr. Rowlands is addressing are dead on true. However, I am maybe a bit naively hopefully that all human have more than just this scheming capacity. Also, I think that the older parts of our spirits that come from the same awareness, the same source as the wolf, can and do occasionally return to reclaim our collective sanity and cause us to do the right thing BECAUSE it is right, not because it is profitable. The natural state of things always balances things out, one way or the other, and we human are by no means excluded from this cycle. Whether we admit it or not, we are limited to what we can do simply because we're always looking to get something out of it.

If we strive for that higher good, by consequence we'll elevate our status to near the prowess and natural composure of the wolf. In Native American stories, the wolf is always a very cunning and naturally intelligent individual who is usually the main orchestrator of the narrative in which he appears. Yet, he doesn't cling to this temporary power because he knows, intuitively, maybe even instinctually, the powers that be must pass from one aware individual to another. We are not to know or even start to comprehend how or why this passing of power occurs, only that, as the wolf, it certainly does pass and when it's our turn to wield it, we'd better get it right.

So, I strive to be a wolf, or better, an eagle. But what does that mean? And what kind of honesty am I really sharing here if not the messages of my ancient spirit to its much younger and immature mind. This blog is for me to read and re-read so as to signpost where my thoughts were at a certain point in time. Or is it more a way to see the image after connecting all of these dots? Only the infinite source can be sure.

Becoming a "big girl"

Our precious little Lilica is growing up so fast! We're trying to get her potty trained, but it looks like it's going to take a while for her to get it. She's learned how to politely ask for and thank us for things in both English and Japanese. She's also now intently watches one of her favorite animated shows, Anpanman. Her attention span for new things has greatly expanded and her eye is very keen. She can find the tiniest character, from Anpanman to Mickey Mouse, in the background of any scene on TV. Even if only for a split second, Lilica can spot all of her favorites just as if it were Waldo in the "Where's Waldo?" book series.

One of her recent booms has been to wash her hands often, all by herself. It's a great habit but we're going to run out of hand soap soon. So, Okaachan has ingeniously devised a control method: hide the soap dispenser in the washing machine after using it. That way we decide when she washes instead of having dinner interrupted every ten minutes or so for "wash your hands." Another trend of hers has been congratulate herself every time she does something right, even before we compliment her on it. She says this in Japanese, that Lilica is "jouzu" or great at something, like an expert. She's imitating what Okaachan usually says, but it's very cute.

Though there are other times when Lilica can be disagreeable or even a downright crybaby, she is learning about the world around her and how to act in it at lightning speed. There are times when she prefers her Okaachan to her Otouchan, but these pass and then she and I play together again. I have to remember how important her mother is and not impinge on this sacred bond between them. Of course, I want to ensure that she and I have lots of good bonding time as well. So, the weekend seems to be the right opportunity thus far. Let's enjoy it together, Lilily!!!